A Crack in Time
by FluffyAngelLover
Summary: Yes that's right people it's another Time travel fic but this time both Cloud AND Sephiroth return to the past and in which Cloud says "Dwon't fwuck wif the cuteness!" and obssessively uses the term "Whore Biscuit" that's right it's CRACK!
1. Barbequed Chocobo

A Crack in Time

_Disclaimer : Yeah yeah yeah I know I don't own if I did…..-yaoi nosebleed- so much yaoi…_

_Wellllll first of all this is PURE crack or semi pure crack. Just know it is full of crack. Also I have nothing against time travel fics. I LOVE THEM. They are epic awesomeness. Number two : …Grammar sadly isn't my strongest point T_T I'm so sorry If I had a beta they would beta it but I don't so please live with it. Number three : This may or may not be a yaoi depends if I can fit it in…..after all for the most part Cloud shall be chibi-ed for most chapters don't want Seph to seem like a pedo bear…. And sadly number four well it's only sad if you actually like this story but : I have no idea where this is going pasted the "Dwon't Fwuck wif the cwuteness!" Which doesn't pop up for another 2-3 chapters. And uh yes it's AU._

_Side not : No chocobos were harmed in the making of this fic...and the one that did had it coming to him._

_/.../ Cloud talking to Zack_

_(...) Zack talking_

_'...' Cloud thinking_

Cloud sighed taking a bite out of the freakishly large Chocobo leg. Life was good. No Sephiroth. No Jonova. And best of all no planet demanding that he take on impossible task. Yup life was good….

(SPIKEY! What are you doing! Ho-how could you!)

If only he could get rid of the voices then he'd really be in a good mood. Eh one problem at a time he get around to them eventually. Besides how much harm could they do?

/What am I doing wrong now Zack?/

(What are you doing? What are you doing! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING! YOU'RE EATING A FREAKING CHOCOBO! That's like eating your own brother Cloud. Your own freaking brother.)

/If my brother, which I don't have by the way, tasted just as good as this BBQ Chocobo I might eat him too/

(…You're a sick man Cloud Strife)

/I'm entitled to be a 'sick man' I saved the freaking three times. THREE! Count'em One. Two. Three./

(But still…)

/Eh you really can't blame me I mean really I was a experiment of Hojo's for four damn years/ He took one last bite out of the Chocobo leg before tossing the bone over his shoulder where it landed in, what was to be a continuously growing pile of Chocobo bones.

(Oh yeah I forgot about that…)

/How the hell did you forget? You were there with me./ He rolled his eyes reaching for another Chocobo wing.

(Oh yeahh that's right dude you know Angeal is really pissed off at you about what you did to his sword.) Cloud shrugged tossing the bone behind him at the exact same time as Vincent Valentine happened to be walking up to him. The bone hit the ex- Turk square in his chest somehow managing to stick there then slowly, excruciatingly slow, slid down leaving a wet brown stain in it's wake. (Spike….you're about to die.)

/Huh?/ He turned around and spotted the ex-Turk standing behind him a tick in his hand. Crimson eyes locked on to the blonde causing him to take a step back from the enraged man.

"V-vincent what uh…what uh can I do for you?" Cloud asked giving the Ex- Turk a nervous grin as he inched back for his sword. He had no doubt in his mind the man would try and kill him after all it was THE freaking coat. Even Yuffie wasn't crazy enough to fuck with that coat.

"Cloud…..the planet is dying." Cloud stopped his inching towards First Tsurugi to stare at Vincent with a blank expression.

"Well you better get to fixing that I'm retired." Vincent raised an eyebrow at him crossing his arms over his chest.

"Cloud you know as a main character in this fic you're the only one who can save the planet." Cloud scowled, turning his back on the Ex-Turk climbing on to Fenrir hoisting First Tsurugi on to his back. He ignored the fact that he was still only wearing Chocobo swimming trunks and flipflops and there by shouldn't be able to do said things but hey what the hell it was a crack fic! Who gave a damn. He turned towards Vincent blue locked with red and he said the one thing Clouds everywhere wanted to say since the day fan fictions became known to the world and the same plot was reused so much that all you had to do was look at the title you'd know what happened.

"Fuck the planet." Fenrir roared to life and he took off speeding down the beach. He made it about seventeen feet before the planet opened up and he was swallowed whole, Fenrir and all. Vincent sighed shaking his head glancing at the chair and left over BBQ Chocobo. Shrugging he pulled off his coat and sat down grabbing a leg.

"He should have known he couldn't run. Poor soul." He muttered taking a bite out of the Chocobo. His eyes widening in surprise. "Maybe I should considered going into the BBQ business ….I'd make millions off of this…."

-In the LifeStream-

Cloud floated through the lifestream muttering curse about Gaia and how she should fix her own damn self. He was pissed no he was beyond pissed he was so pissed that there weren't even words to describe what he was currently feeling for Gaia. A sudden light flashed and he found himself standing well more like floating in front of him was a beautiful blonde woman. This woman was the cause of all his troubles the reason he had nightmares at night the reason he couldn't come within thirty-feet of a village without needing to save someone. This was Gaia.

"_Cloud, my child my son….I need you once more_…." Her voice whispered through his mind he had the sudden urge to bash his head in.

"Yeah you and every other person in the world, fat chance lady I want you put me back in my body back on the beach so I can finish my Choco-barbeque." He a leveled her with a glare that could have made Sephiroth well…maybe not Sephiroth but Genesis head for the hills.

"_My child please I know you have been hurt but please you will have the chance to change it all." _Cloud gave her a horrified look as it dawned on him.

"Oh hell no! No way this is one of those fucking time travel fics! Nope no way. I am not going to the past and going through puberty all over again. Do you know how I had to fucking work out to get this body! And you want me to go back and do it all over again screw you whore biscuit!" He turned his back on her and started walking a way intending to find his own way out.

"_What….did…..you….call….me?" _She hissed out through clenched teeth. Cloud didn't stop to grace her with an answer.

"A whore Biscuit." Zack said standing opposite to her eating what could only have been a Chocobo's leg. Could turned to Zack only to gape.

"What the hell! You were just yelling at me for eating Chocobos now you're doing it! How's it even possible ?" Zack shrugged taking another bite.

"Well this is the Chocobo you barbequed earlier it's soul was sent to the life stream and I happened to catch Valentine talking to some people about opening up a VBC…" Cloud frowned Barbeque Chocobo was HIS idea damn it.

"VBC….?"

"Vincent's Barbequed Chocobo." Cloud's left twitched repeatedly. Oh the Ex-Turk was going down so down he'd be up by the time Cloud got done with him.

"_ENOUGH!"_ Gaia shouted finally pissed off at being ignored. She was an all powerful being ignore her was high treason.

"What whore biscuit I already said I'm not going back, find yourself another man." He waved her off intending to find out more of this VBC thing. Come hell or high water he was getting a cut of Gils Vincent was sure to make off his brilliant idea.

"_Blasphemy! Ingrate! For this you loose main character status!" _

"Fine by me means I don't have to stick around here or hang out in the past. Let me know how it works out." Gaia let out an evil smile and then Cloud's world went black.

"So who's the new main character?" Zack asked staring at the spot his best friend had disappeared into.

"_Sephiroth of course." _A snap of her fingers and the silver hair general appeared before looking disorientated before his gazed on them.

"To what do I owe the honor?" His voice slide across them causing shivers to run up and down their spines. Even for a dead guy he was kind of scary.

"_Your status as main character has been reinstated. Have fun in the past." _She stamped a red sign on his forehead before hitting a button the ground under his feet disappeared and he fell through. Zack walked over to the hole peering curiously into it.

"Should you really have sent Sephiroth to the past? I mean isn't he the reason you're in this situation in the first place? Also for someone who's dying you don't look really sick." Zack asked munching a way at the Chocobo leg. Gaia's left eye twitched and she kicked the first year into the hole ignoring his wails.

"_It's a crack fic don't question it anything that happens just accept it and nod._" She said just as Aerith walked over to her.

"What status did you give Cloud?" Gaia smirked turning to walk away saying the two words any good fan hated.

"_Mary Sue." _A scream echoed throughout the world and somewhere in a dark corner a Chocobo cut it self.

-Cloud-

Cloud opened one blue eye staring in confusion at the white ceiling. Wasn't he suppose be back at the beach on his way to kick Vincent's ass for sealing his idea. Equally blue eyes came into view causing Cloud to blink when his mother's face came into face. His mother was dead….why was. He lifted a hand his frown deepening when a chubby little arm came into view. '_What the…..oh no the bitch had done it! She sent me back in time! Oh shit just got real in this fic shit just got real_.' He sighed staring at his mother he supposed it couldn't be that bad at least the voices were gone.

(Think again! She sent me with you)

'…_damn'_

"What are you naming him?"

"….Jerry." '_WHAT!_ '

"Uh….Jerry ma'am? You are aware that this is a Final Fantasy fiction not a original…." She nodded staring at him.

"But It's also crack…." The doctor gave her a deadpanned look.

"His name is Cloud we're not on that much crack Ms. Strife."

"HE'S MY JERRY!" She clutched him close and started obsessively petting his head. "My Jerry he won't leave me. Jerry is here to stay. Forever and ever and ever and ever." Cloud stared up at his mother with wide huge eyes.

'You have got to be fucking kidding me.'

_Yeah so …..that's it…..for now….. Was it good? Should I keep going or delete before someone's eye sockets fall out due to the sheer horribleness of it all? _

_TBC…..maybe…..if you like it…. _


	2. Sephiroth and the Red Cocktail dress

Disclaimer : Don't own a thing. I make no money. Therefore you don't sue me!

Warnings : Obvious OOCness, Hojo and a Cocktail dress. Brief mention of implied Vin/Cid.

Cloud's Jerry Lou-ness (Thank you Dreamfool for the name xD) will be in the next chapter though I'm not 100% sure I've captured it. And Yes the definition of Mary Sue at the end is from Wiki. Thanks to everyone who review/rated.

Cloud rolled over on the blanket the woman had sat him on. The woman, yes she was a woman and NOT his mother because he remembered his mother well and she wasn't half as crazy as this whore biscuit.

(Where did you even hear the term Whore Biscuit I swear you've said it like thirty times since we've been here?)

/I don't even know but there's something that's been bothering me…/

(What's that?)

/How are you even here? I mean if I'm back in time then doesn't that mean you're still alive and if you're still, which I'm fairly sure you are, shouldn't you not exist?/

(…..)

/For that matter since you ARE still here doesn't this mean I failed to save you again and we still end up as Hojo's experiments?/

(Spike….shut the hell up no one wants to think about this I don't even think that made sense geesh.)

/Eh hey I thought I wasn't the main character anymore why are we starting off the chapter again? /

(Cause the chick writing this crazy thing hasn't the slightest idea how to bring Sephiroth in to take over his roll)

/WHAT! She gave the psychopath my role! That whore biscuit! That that THAT WENCH! / Tears poured from the charge blue eyes causing Ms. Strife to come running to the room.

"Shh shh Jerry mommy's here…." She bounced him a little before sitting him down and going to make a bottle.

(Why does she keep calling you Jerry?)

/I don't know I think the whore biscuit messed up and sent us to a parallel universe because my mom wasn't a psycho Jenova wannabe/

(Yeah mayb- WHOA SPIKE DON'T DRINK IT!) Startled Cloud dropped the bottle his psycho-Jenova wannabe mother had given him.

/Why…..?/

(She poisoned it look.) Cloud turned his head and sweat dropped. There sitting on the counter next to the formula was a pot labeled "Poison for Jerry". She really was a Jenova wannabe.

/Guess I won't be eating anything here …..Freaking whore biscuit. / A small pout came to his lips and he looked longingly at the bottle if only she wasn't a psychopath….

-Sephiroth-

Pale white eyelids snapped open revealing green vib- Oh fuck it. Sephiroth woke up and looked at him. So he was the main character now hmm what could he do with this new found situation. Maybe he should go destory the world? After all Cloud, the only one who could even hope to defeat him was what? He looked in the mirror that was conveniently pushed in front of him. He looked to be about fifteen so that meant that Cloud Strife was just an infant if he had even been born yet.

'_I hope you really didn't think I sent you back in time with no means to control you._' Gaia's voice whispered in his mind causing Sephiroth to twitch.

"As if you could control me…." Gaia laughed a faint glow appeared in front of him.

'_Shall I show you_?' Sephiroth remained silent, gloating the planet on. '_Very well…"_A blinding white pain filled him suddenly he found himself tied to a chair sitting in the middle of a pure white room.

"Torturing me will get you no where I've spent my entire life being tortured by Hojo anything you do will pale in comparison." Like anything she could do would- Sephiroth's thoughts cut off the moment the door opened revealing something even Sephiroth couldn't defeat. His skin began paling till it turned a remarkable green color. Standing before him wearing a red cocktail dress that stopped above mid-thigh with a red feathered boa complete with red high heels, and thigh high red stockings was Hojo. That's right people. Professor mother effing Hojo.

"Hellooo big boy." He purred through red painted lips blinking fake lashes at him. The image was enough to make him want to tear his own eyes out. Hojo took a step towards him his hips swaying left and right. That moment if ever asked Sephiroth could truly say he died a little one the inside. "I'm going to work you all night long." At that music came pouring into the room Hojo dropped his feathered Boa and a strip pole appeared. Hojo walked over to it and started grinding into it in time with the music. It was when he climbed up the pole and turned up side down parting his legs in the air giving Sephiroth a perfect of what was REALLY under the cocktail dress that Sephiroth vomited what it was in his stomach at the time.

"OKAY! OKAY, OKAY, OKAY YOU WIN! I won't do anything just please make it go away I'll be a good boy I promise." He cried out when Hojo began making his way towards him stripping out of the dress leaving him in nothing but a G-string, stockings and heels.

'We knew you would see it our way…..' A light flashed and Sephiroth was back in his room. But not before he got an eye full of Hojo's naked ass. He curled into a ball and rocked back and forth mumbling incoherent words about killing cocktail dresses every where. In future years Hojo will forever wonder why his greatest experiment would cower at the sight of a red cocktail dress.

-Vincent-

Vincent, Cid, and Yuffie all sat around a huge pile of Chocobo bones most of them eaten by the great Wutarian (Did I spell that right?) ninja Yuffie herself. Cid's left eye would twitch every so often as it was he had just gained some very disturbing news.

"So yer telling me that out of the blue you decided you wanted to eat a fucking bird?" The ex-Turk nodded picking up a Chocobo wing. "And for some fucking reason decided to open a damned Barbeque?"

"Yes." Cid sighed letting his cigarette drop.

"And people call me fucking insane." Vincent reached over and patted his head affectionately causing Yuffie to pause. She made a weird face sticking out her tongue.

"What Yuffie?"

"The two of you aren't going to start like making out are you?" Cid flushed and Vicent remained passive giving the Wutarian princess a blank stare.

"Where did you get that idea?" She made a small noise in the back of her throat dropping the bone.

"Internet." Vincent gave the slightest indication of a twitch before standing. "Where are you going?"

"To see a man about a Chocobo." They both blinked at him.

"Wha…?"

"The fuck?"

It had a been a few days since the incident that-shall-not-be-named happened and Sephiroth was for the better part over it….well he could he look at Hojo and not go into a panic attack however that didn't seem to stop the dreams. After clearing the image as best as he could from his mind's eye he done some thinking. Some deep life altering thinking, at first he blamed Cloud for his ultimate demise but as he thought more and more about it really wasn't Cloud's fault.

If anything Cloud had been just as screwed over as he was. No the person to blame was Hojo. And Jenova but mostly Hojo. If Hojo had never sent him on the mission to the reactor he would have never gone crazy and developed a mommy complex and would never had been killed by Cloud. If anything going back in time had given him a chance to exact revenge on the real person who had wronged him. Sephiroth had a plan. A really good plan one involving a certain Chocobo blonde hair boy, ShinRa and some duck tape. Oh yessss Sephiroth had the plan.

Unfortunately that meant he'd have to keep Hojo around a little longer than he'd like but while he was still didn't mean Sephiroth couldn't make his life a living hell. Hojo nor ShinRA would never know what hit them and by the time they did it would be too late.

Cloud yawned looking at glares he and his supposed mother were receiving from the villagers. He hadn't remembered them being this hateful before maybe it had something to do with the same reason his mother was such a Jenova-wannabe-whore-biscuit.

(_Hey Cloud I was doing some reading and I just found out what a Mary Sue was….) _Cloud yawned again huge blue eyes blinking uninterestedly at the things around him.

/_Please do enlighten me on this revelations you've had/_

_(Well it says right here and I quote "A __**Mary Sue**__ (sometimes just __**Sue**__), in fanfiction, is a fictional character with overly idealized and hackneyed mannerisms, lacking noteworthy flaws, and primarily functioning as a wish-fulfillment fantasy for the author or reader" un-quote.)_

_/Okay so I was all that before the Whore Biscuit gave me Mary Sue./_ He told him snorting lightly inside his head. /_I give both woman AND man wet dreams people through their feet at my good looks I mean really I had a hard life I had to kill my idol for Gaia's sake. I'm the perfect SOLDIER. I really don't have any flaws./ _ If he could of flipped his hair over his shoulder he would have.

_(Spike…..what's happening to you? You….you never would have been so…blunt about this! You're….you're …..you're becoming a Jerry Lou. And technically you never made SOLDIER.) _Cloud eye's widen and realized it was true. He never used to think himself flawless! He was going to end up becoming a bastard and getting hated by Cloud fans every where. Or worse end up like acting like Genesis. (Nothing against him he shall show up soon)

/_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!/ _Not to far from them that same Chocobo cut it self.

_**Next Chapter : Sephiroth get's a baby.**_

_**Will be out sooner or later…**_


End file.
